Wait...what?!

I'm writing this in New Jersey. Trenton, to be exact. Let the record state that Trenton is slightly below my original impressions of Balimore on the loveability scale. The fact that I drove through it at 11:30 pm in a caffeine-induced fog didn't help, but it seemed like the modern equivalent of an Old West ghost town. Even the high rent districts were boarded up, grilled over, gated shut, and utterly deserted. Stray bits of litter blew through the streets. We were the only car on the road. A tumbleweed would have completed the scene with eerie precision.

The robotics team is in Trenton for a regional competition, hence my mid-week sojurn. It's interesting. I drove up with three students, one of whom is in my class now, one of whom was in my class, and one of whom I never taught. The trip is long, and most of the kids nodded off, so I wound up doing an unhealthy amount of introspection on the past year. It's amazing how much of an effect this whole coaching dealie has had on my relationship with the students. Absolutely amazing.

In addition to the student relationships, the teachers and mentors are such a quirky lot! Josh, the coach, was the ONLY person at Dunbar to bother writing me a recommendation on time. And that recommendation got my foot in the door at a couple schools. Mrs. Ball sold me on Patterson, her school. If I interview there, there's a good chance I'll take a job, zone school or no.

And--the mentors. One of them, a UMBC student, worked with the writing team as well. He's a polysci guy, so he knows the ins and outs of press releases and all that. Somehow, after the season, I somehow charmed or confused him enough for him to ask me out. So, I've aquired a boyfriend.

Yeah. I know. I'm a little fuzzy on the details, too. This kind of snuck up on me. I always liked him, but didn't start letting myself think of liking him until after he asked. Maybe it's because he doesn't mind me (as in, all the things that would send a sane man into retreat, screaming bloody murder). This seems likely. It's a nice change. Or maybe it's because I'm confused enough that I didn't know what I wanted. This is also very likely. Or maybe it's because I finally acceped that the woman I care deeply about, who does like me, will never leave her socially acceptable relationship with a man she isn't sure about most of the time for something with me. This is highly likely.

Hm. That sounds far more melodramatic than it really is. I like him. I love her. She cares for me. He cares for me. He, however, is single and actually actively pursuing something with me, whereas I know she's toying with me. She cares--she gets so upset when I talk about him!--but I don't know that she'll ever actually want to pursue things with me. And, while they sound intertwined, this actually doesn't impact my relationship with him at all. If you burn one hand, the other still works. I don't care for him because he's a different option, I care for him because he sits in a blazing hot room for 6 to 8 hours every day, on top of school and work, helping to improve a kid's writing. And because he remembers to bring me coffee when I have a bad day. And because he cares enough to call to let me know he got home safe. And because he sniffs compter keyboard, claiming they smell like band-aids. (I have photographic evidence of this.)

So, although everything is massively confusing, I feel remarkably calm and sure. Like maybe I'm where I'm supposed to be, doing more or less the right thing with the right group of people for the right people and for the right reasons. For once. It's a good feeling.

And I give that feeling about another 20 minutes, tops, before returning to panic as usual. :)

Thanks for listening. I'll be less introspective next time, especially since I have books to review!